I'm having such a strange day. I was really excited this morning because I got a wonderful summer job. I mean, it's the sort of thing I'll be really good at, and have a lot of fun doing. Yet it continues nearly up until the day I leave for school, so I can't go out west to see my family. It's such a strange feeling. While some part of me knew I'd be sacrificing that opportunity for work right from the beginning, I held out hope that it wouldn't have to happen. I know, shit happens, you make sacrifices but there's still the part of me screaming IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. Other people get to see their siblings every day of their lives, others see them on holidays, but with some regularity. What's it been, a year and a half since I last saw Patrick? One year? Two? I don't even know. Concretely I can say a year since I saw Molly. This morning I thought, this is such a great opportunity, I can get past this, I'm used to not seeing them. But compounded by the fact that I just am miserable at home, I'm just having trouble handling the whole thing.
I'm not sure why I'm so unhappy here. I just know that I can't really talk to anyone about it. I have good friends here, good people, good company, whatever. But not very many, and it's really a smaller group all the time. There are just so few people in this area that share anything in common with me. It was just never a problem when my life was consumed with activities and what have you, but with astounding quantities of free time, I'm left with almost nobody to relate to. With those that I do consider friends and people I want to spend time with, it just seems like there's no chance to have a real conversation or real fun that isn't just incredibly fleeting or occasional. And forget a concrete group that I can rely on to just hang out with on a regular basis. It never happened in high school and it's kind of too late now. I'm just staring at incredibly long portions of day... by myself. Or worse, with my parents. This is made worse by the fact that I won't be working until mid-June. What am I supposed to do with myself until then? I truly have no idea. (Oddly enough, I feel like this doesn't even do the problem justice. I'm miserable. There are a billion reasons. I hate my home town. I don't care for the people in it. I have limited friend selection. I never see the ones I have. This isn't working. Get me away from here.)
When I'm busy, I'm telling myself it's going to be fine. At least I'll be away for the days for work. But there's still the wait until then.