Yeah.

I'm having such a strange day. I was really excited this morning because I got a wonderful summer job. I mean, it's the sort of thing I'll be really good at, and have a lot of fun doing. Yet it continues nearly up until the day I leave for school, so I can't go out west to see my family. It's such a strange feeling. While some part of me knew I'd be sacrificing that opportunity for work right from the beginning, I held out hope that it wouldn't have to happen. I know, shit happens, you make sacrifices but there's still the part of me screaming IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. Other people get to see their siblings every day of their lives, others see them on holidays, but with some regularity. What's it been, a year and a half since I last saw Patrick? One year? Two? I don't even know. Concretely I can say a year since I saw Molly. This morning I thought, this is such a great opportunity, I can get past this, I'm used to not seeing them. But compounded by the fact that I just am miserable at home, I'm just having trouble handling the whole thing.

I'm not sure why I'm so unhappy here. I just know that I can't really talk to anyone about it. I have good friends here, good people, good company, whatever. But not very many, and it's really a smaller group all the time. There are just so few people in this area that share anything in common with me. It was just never a problem when my life was consumed with activities and what have you, but with astounding quantities of free time, I'm left with almost nobody to relate to. With those that I do consider friends and people I want to spend time with, it just seems like there's no chance to have a real conversation or real fun that isn't just incredibly fleeting or occasional.  And forget a concrete group that I can rely on to just hang out with on a regular basis. It never happened in high school and it's kind of too late now. I'm just staring at incredibly long portions of day... by myself. Or worse, with my parents. This is made worse by the fact that I won't be working until mid-June. What am I supposed to do with myself until then? I truly have no idea. (Oddly enough, I feel like this doesn't even do the problem justice. I'm miserable. There are a billion reasons. I hate my home town. I don't care for the people in it. I have limited friend selection. I never see the ones I have. This isn't working. Get me away from here.)

When I'm busy, I'm telling myself it's going to be fine. At least I'll be away for the days for work. But there's still the wait until then.

Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite! - The Beatles
Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian
Black and White Town - Doves
Words - Ryan Adams
Gatekeeper - Feist
I Was Zapped by the Lucky Super Rainbow - The Flaming Lips
So Here We Are - Bloc Party
You Are What You Love - Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins
Lazarus - Porcupine Tree
Red Right Ankle - The Decemberists
Spit on a Stranger - Pavement
A Method - TV on the Radio
Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens
No Children - The Mountain Goats
Blue Balloon - Ween
Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse - Of Montreal
Not Like Me - Jean Grae
Halloween - Matt Pond PA
Doin' the Cockroach - Modest Mouse
Nicest Thing - Kate Nash
La Costa Brava - Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
I Like Birds - Eels
Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
LDN - Lilly Allen
Yours to Keep - Guided by Voices
(What's Your) Angle? - Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire
A Sea Chanty of Sorts - Margot and the Nuclear So and So's
Me & Julio Down By the Schoolyard - Paul Simon
103 - Whispertown2000
High & Dry - Radiohead
Sipping on the Sweet Nectar - Jens Lekman
1000 BPM - Beck

So I had my first radio show this morning, 8 - 10 am. I only fucked up a couple of times. Not bad considering I was by myself in the station and only had a 20 minute demonstration last week. I kind of wish I had someone to talk to on air, but I'm sure I'll have plenty of hot air to spread by next week when I'm more comfortable with the what's up. Here's my playlist for this morning:


Banking on a Myth - Andrew Bird
House by the Sea - Iron & Wine
Biomusicology - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Nicest Thing - Kate Nash
Stuck Between Stations - The Hold Steady
Old College Try - The Mountain Goats
Don't Deconstruct - Rilo Kiley
The Greatest - Cat Power
Shut Me Out - Aidan Hawken (quick improv.. not quite what I had in mind)
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Dirty City Blues - Jennifer O'Connor
Sine Wave - Mogwai
We've Got Everything - Modest Mouse (quick improv.. not quite what I had in mind)
Forgive them Father - Lauryn Hill
Wooden Nickels - Eels
They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhh! - Sufjan Stevens
Boyz - M.I.A.
Green Grass Of Tunnel - Mum
Pistol - Dustin Kensrue
You Can Call Me Al - Paul Simon
Oh No - Lavender Diamond
You! Me! Dancing! - Los Campesinos!
Golden Skans - Klaxons
Young Pilgrims - The Shins
Love in a Trashcan - The Raveonettes
I Am a Scientist - Guided by Voices
Maybe You Can Owe Me - Architecture in Helsinki
La Pour Ca - Nada Surf
My Moon, My Man - Feist
Faust Arp - Radiohead (turned this off halfway through because the partially deaf elderly man that follows me accidentally mixed his country whatever with it........ which did not sound good)

"La Costa Brava," Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
"House by the Sea," Iron & Wine
"Imitosis," Andrew Bird
"All I Need," Radiohead
"Australia," The Shins
"Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse," Of Montreal
"Brandy Alexander," Feist
"Missed the Boat," Modest Mouse
"You! Me! Dancing," Los Campesinos
"Boy with a Coin," Iron & Wine
"Weird Fishes/Arpeggi," Radiohead
"Werewolf," CocoRosie
"Impossible Germany," Wilco
"Phantom Limb," The Shins
"Golden Skans," Klaxons
"Restless," Whispertown2000
"Nicest Thing," Kate Nash


And yes, I liked "All My Friends."

I don't know. And sometimes that's all I need to know.

I really hate it when everyone else's absolute dysfunction starts to give me a headache.

Date:	2007-08-23 08:56
Subject:	Mixing you a tape
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

Something just for a little exceptionally difficult musical fun.

1. Your Favorite Album Opener
2. A Song About Animals
3. A Song That Makes You Want To Commit A Felony
4. A Song About Sex
5. A Song Michael Bolton Should Cover
6. The Worst Song In The World
7. Wildcard: Your Guilty Pleasure
8. If Snoop Dogg's 'Doggystyle' Came Out In 1944
9. A Song < 2:00
10. A Remix Better Than The Original
11. A Song From The Last Record You Purchased
12. A Song That References Video Games
13. A Song With A Swear Word In The Title
14. The Song That Got You Through High School
15. Your Favorite Album Closer

1. "The Greatest" - Cat Power (from The Greatest)
I thought this was a supremely challenging decision, since there are many openers I think entirely set the tone for a wonderful album. However, Chan Marshall wins this one for her soulful telling of, well, a fall from ill/del-usions of success. Her voice is smooth and rich, and it will always be my favourite on the album.

2. "Wild Packs of Family Dogs" - Modest Mouse (from The Moon and Antactica)
This death ballad is just different enough from MM's other songs to please me every time I hear it. As this is a mix tape, I also think Brock's rasp is a nice accompaniment and follow-up to the sultry coo of Marshall.

3. "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" - Danger Mouse (from The Grey Album)
To me, this mash-up is heaven; Jay-Z and The Beatles complement each other so well, it's near (if not real) genius. Danger, you must be some sort of demi-god. Also, maybe I owe to this an explanation of what felony I'm committing. It makes me want to illegally sample The Beatles too!

4. "Evening on the Ground (Lillith's Song)" - Iron & Wine (from Woman King EP)
Nothing like a little Biblical transgression every now and again. Though not strictly about sex, "Evening on the Ground" tells the story of Lillith, who was Adam's first partner in Eden. Unlike Eve, however, she became Adam's equal, and was expelled when she refused to submit to his bidding. Of course I appreciate a little feminine power, and Sam Beam tearing away with an electric guitar is something that you have to hear to truly appreciate. Also, the snarl of We were born to fuck each other / One way or another is a refrain worth recounting.

5. "One Last "Whoo-hoo!" For The Pullman" - Sufjan Stevens (from Come On! Feel the Illinoise)
0:08. Need I say more?

6. "Achy Breaky Heart" - Billy Ray Cyrus
It was the first thing that came to mind, and there is absolutely no way I want this played with the rest of my mix. The end.

7. "Don't Matter" - Akon
Lame music, bad grammar, hot guy. Which part isn't guilty?

8. "Don't Fence Me In" - Bing Crosby and The Andrews Sisters
Don't fence me in with missionary position. Let me do it Doggystyle.

9. "Building Skyscrapers in the Basement" - Ted Leo and the Pharmacists (from Hearts of Oak)
Short but sweet and displays Ted's talent well. The music is eerie and I like the line I know some things I'd rather not / Like the time ahead is all the time you've got.

10. "Sea Lion Woman (Chromeo Remix)" - Feist
While Leslie Feist has my heart with her husky voice and soulful delivery, this remix actually makes me want to get up and dance. And dance and dance and dance. The beats don't mask her great voice at all, just draw attention to different parts of the song.

11.  "Werewolf" - CocoRosie (from The Adventures of Ghosthorse & Stillborn)
I found these sisters by recommendation from my brother. I guess they count as 'freak folk' but mostly I see them as fun and interesting. Werewolf is my favourite track from the album.

12. "But She Beat My High Score" - Say Hi to Your Mom (from Numbers & Mumbles)
I have to say there is absolutely no chance of me ever being this girl. However, this little lo-fi pop song honestly has me picturing a victorious girl with eyes the colour of pea soup finally able to type her name at the top of the Space Invaders high score chart. It's as sweetly angsty as anything else Eric Elbogen has ever written and hello male inferiority complex.

13. "Fuck and Run" - Liz Phair (from Exile in Guyville)
A nice (I guess I use nice kind of ironically) song about a girl who would like to be in a relationship but instead, well, fucks and runs. She uses lots of repetition in her writing 'I want all that stupid old shit / Like letters and sodas / Letters and sodas' and the song is quite simple and understated. It's the epitome of old school Liz Phair.

14. "Bullshit Maze" - Jennifer O'Connor (from Over the Mountain, Across the Valley, and Back to Stars)
I can't honestly say it 'got me through' high school, but it echoed my frustrations, especially senior year. How can you argue with Once in a while I stop / In this bullshit maze that I run / I look at my feet and then / I look up, at the sun / I wonder to my, myself if I'm having any fun / And then I run / And start again. Plus Jen is undeniably cool and genuine.

15. "Sons and Daughters" - The Decemberists (from The Crane Wife)
I like a good outro in the future tense. This is upbeat and hopeful and an overall sprightly finisher to the album.

Date:	2007-08-14 09:14
Subject:	The God Delusion
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleased
Music:	Two Gallants

It never occurred to me to be anything but atheist. I don't mean that I have been completely oblivious to the fact that others around me believe that there is a supernatural being. I simply mean that personally it never crossed my mind that their beliefs might actually be true. Growing up, I was, as Dawkins would put it, 'a child of' one man who refuses to discuss his beliefs due to a staunchly Catholic upbringing and the whole onslaught of schools governed by, well, nuns, and 'a child of' one woman who must be agnostic, because of an outward rejection of religion in every day life, but a strong desire to occasionally attend church "for the music and the morals" and an abject disapproval of her daughter's strong declaration of atheism. Now, I suppose on this front I was lacking the childhood indoctrination (which, might I add, backfired on my father anyway) which is mostly responsible for the propagation of religion and its beliefs. However, those days of my childhood weren't entirely lacking in contact with organized prayer, Sunday worship, and steeples. My closest friend at the youngest age I recall was Lutheran, and during the course of that friendship, I attended that church a couple times. The friend after that was Mormon. Sure, sleep over her house Saturday night, go to church Sunday morning. And, of course, my devoutly Catholic aunt and grandmother brought me to a service or two of theirs. Back to the 'what never occurred to me' thread, I never associated any of these visits with a god of some sort actually existing. Sure I knew that to some degree the whole ritual had to do with a god, but what I remember most about the Lutheran church was the brick, the Catholic church the giant golden Jesus wall ornament and people lining up to consume his "body" in the form of a wafer, and the Mormon church, the fact that some Mormons get to wear special Mormon underwear (alright, alright...temple garment). It all was so ritualistic to me, even then. Now I would compare religious ceremony to cooking a microwave dinner, as in, 'Open package. Peel back plastic covering. Heat on high for 4 minutes. Let stand for 2 minutes.' The whole church construct was a formality, and back then (and still now, of course) I didn't associate any of it with the existence of a god. It's a microwave dinner -- either you learned how to make it by reading some instructions, or your mom taught you. I never meant to be an atheist, any more than I ever meant to have brown eyes and a birth mark on my left thigh. I just grew up knowing there is nothing "greater" out there, and when I got to the age at which I was able to associate that knowledge with the name "atheism," it was a natural assignment. Furthermore, it was around then when I began to understand fundamental concepts of science, and could back my non-believing up with the knowledge that "God" isn't responsible for making everyone stick to the ground. Science was a means, a means to prove what I had already known from the start. I could officially give religion the ol' heave-ho, and I can answer the door when those Jehovah Witnesses come acallin'. Besides attendance at churches of a few different denominations when I was younger, I think I've made a pretty good effort to know at least the fundamental history of at least Catholicism, because it can't be denied that religion plays a major part in history, both that has already happened and is still being written. And after all, literature simply wouldn't be literature without the interplay of each authors' beliefs on their writings. I rather think that I've done a good job at acquiring knowledge of Bible symbolism through different means, and with the exception of maybe a couple slip-ups ("Uhhh...Mr. Dodge...what exactly are the Apostles?") I think I've got at least the most basic stories committed to memory. However, they will always be shallow tales to me. Harder even than believing there is some supernatural deity, is believing that it would involve itself so thoroughly in the laws of man. No, there is no 'great being' telling you it is bad to have sex before marriage. That's the church. I believe those exist. After all, sometimes they let you wear special underwear.

Date:	2007-08-01 20:45
Subject:	Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	"The Only Living Boy in New York"

I think cooking has replaced boys in my life. Now obviously there are certain, uh, differences, but there is a definite sensuality to a combination of fresh, potent ingredients. It's become a major part of my life, health, and happiness as of late. I'm enjoying the sharp and the sweet and the tart and the spicy in a new way. I like standing in the kitchen, perfecting a blend of flavours and then finding ways to present them well, in respect to both taste and visual appeal. I find it easy to cook myself happiness.

I'm trying as hard as I can to do just that.

Date:	2007-04-20 22:06
Subject:	And I would have to say that I miss you
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely?
Music:	"Hotel," Broken Social Scene

Funny how something as simple as shifting through a wallet brings forth old memories. Saw a D&D gift card stuck in one of the little pockets -- a card that's been empty for a while. And suddenly I was recalling when I used it up on smoothies, no less. Mine was the mango kind -- my first time, really potent. Sitting, reading the Day. The newspaper, not the space of time. And I was recalling the company, a pair that I generally wouldn't spend time with together, just the two of them. Two of the most important male types in my life. I remember how it was just fun, and simple, and wasn't weird like it could have been. We even sat on a railroad pull cart eating stir fry and looking at flashy foreign motorcycles that day, as well as the rooftop fireworks that night. I wonder if anyone else remembers it. I hadn't until I saw the card.

Date:	2007-03-22 19:05
Subject:	I used to grow crystals
Security:	Public
Mood:	serene
Music:	"Imitosis," Andrew Bird

I have a little sock garden under the covers at the foot of my bed. If I squinch my toes in the night, sometimes I can catch one.

Date:	2007-03-12 22:51
Subject:	I should have known, with a boy like you
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Shins

Lately I just have to sit back and ask myself, is there anyway in which I could possibly catch a break? Because honestly, my friends don't hang out with me, my home life is shitty plus, I get hurt by the one guy I ever put anything on the line for, and to top it all off, I have no idea about college, so there's no sense of 'greater things out there for me.' No end in sight, and it's causing me severe pain.

I suppose I have my health. Fuck.

Date:	2007-03-11 19:53
Subject:	Medieval
Security:	Public
Mood:	reflective
Music:	Robot G-zus

You place every brick so carefully into the castle. Carefully stacked, carefully fit, locked so perfectly. Castle that leaps to the sky: turrets for home, school, friends, loves, future. A marvel of architecture, you know every inch of the design. But the castle falls under siege. Those bricks so carefully placed begin to crumble from the bottom. Each tower feels the pressure from the invaders. At the door there is a battering ram, and one's heart is always located at the door. But nothing nothing can be done.






Alright too lame a metaphor, I'm done, bye.

Date:	2007-02-13 22:18
Subject:	My love has dressed me like a clown
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	Margot and the Nuclear So and So's

I don't even know what to say anymore. It's not that I don't enjoy writing, just that I don't even know what to say. I can't wait to get away? It will do me a lot of good? I enjoy things and I dislike things simultaneously? If I had the desire to express it, I guess I would. Suddenly I really see the division between this age and any previously. Have I grown up or grown depressed?

Date:	2007-01-31 18:54
Subject:	I'm not at home in my own home
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	The Decemberists

Interesting how every once in a while I lose track of what I want.

Date:	2007-01-28 18:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleasant
Music:	"Skeleton Key," Margot and the Nuclear So and So's

The swelling finally went down on my left arm and it's almost back to normal. Thankfully. I thought I was going to have to alter all of my sleeves.

Right now I'm working on a Soc project that is incredibly interesting. It's only a collage of pictures from magazines, but it's meant to illustrate some strata of our culture and society. I chose taboos. Besides the fact that Mrs. Marcotte and I just work well together, I appreciate the fact she treats us like capable maturing students. I'm very excited for the end of the semester (year!) project, and I think I'll probably start working soon. It's my first big thesis research-based project.

Date:	2007-01-25 22:16
Subject:	Oh wow
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	"Heretics," Andrew Bird

Yeah I was excited about Ted and Rilo but now Andrew too! Also advance mp3 on Pitchfork. I dig March.

Date:	2007-01-22 17:37
Subject:	Yeah well if you liked Yann Martel and behavioral pysch, you'd understand
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	"Case in Point," Andrew Bird

I'm not at all maternal and I don't know what I would name my kids if I were to have them. However, I do know what all of the animals would be called. Woman gave names to all the animals?

Dog - Pavlov
Cat - Richard Parker
Hedgehog - Spike Lee
Goats - Dionysus, Pan
Duck - Lorenz

Date:	2007-01-18 21:59
Subject:	Wake me up
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	the Lemonheads

I'm so tired and I'm so tired and I'm tired and I'm so tired. I'm tired and I'm tired and I'm tired and I'm so tired. I slept this afternoon, almost all afternoon and I'm so tired. Just so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired.